If Only My Heart Could Speak, The Voice of Violation Would Cry Aloud

By Apostle Syvila Pristell
As a child, from 3-16 years old, I was always afraid of my room at night. I thought monsters were under my bed and ladies with bulging eyes were looking from behind my bedroom curtains. I could never understand how I went through the same house all day, but at night the monsters came out. Thunder and lightening frightened me to the point, I always ran to get in bed with my father.
One day, seated at a luncheon table, I looked across and surely there was the woman hiding behind my curtains. Her eyes bulged and her face had a purple blur on it. She was surely the one hiding under my bed and peeping from the closet. As I grew older I began to look under the bed and search the closets before going to bed. God troubled my heart with the scriptures I would hear in church. “God has not given you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, Love, and a sound mind.”
You see I had grown up in an orphanage the early years of my life. My father brought me home to his house at two (2). My adapted mom died when I was five years; that’s when the monsters came. I felt alone, abandoned, and hurt because the monsters came to replace the love that my mother had given. They perpetuated the thoughts in my mind that no one loved me and really no-one cared.
My older brother perpetuated the loneliness by always teasing at me and scaring me when he would come into the room. One day he brought 4 boys over to the house while our dad was gone. Little did I know but I was the object of those boys. My brother turned the music up loud and gave me over to them to sit in their laps. Then they began to fondle me. No matter how I screamed they would not stop. They used their fingers to be placed in ugly places and they hurt me. Finally when they finished he locked me in my room, and told me not to come out and I’d
better not tell anyone.
IF ONLY I COULD SCREAM OUT WHEN DAD CAME! I didn’t. I didn’t tell anyone. I bathed and bathed and tried to wash away the pain, the hurt, the indecency, and the dirt I felt. I felt like I was dirty.
From that point on, my life seemed to grow darker and darker. The kids picked on me in school. I got into fights in every grade. The monsters seemed to take shape and form. I began to see objects and figures. They looked like monsters and continued to jeer at me. They would jump out at me and tease me. My dad would take me to the doctor. He even took to the psychiatrist but nothing changed. I could always make good grades at school so the kids became jealous. Then my step mom became the teacher. OOH it was on then. I really fought every, every day.
Around age 10, one of my female cousins came to visit my house. She tried to put her hands on my female organs under the cover. I hit her so hard, she never tried that again. (Fighting paid off, LOL).
One day I had an open vision. My mother, gone home to Jesus, walked into my room. I never saw her face but I smelled her perfume and knew it was my mother. She said to me in such a soft voice, “It will be alright, I’m here. It’s done.” In my childlike senses I knew she meant Jesus had fixed it. AND HE HAD!!!
The demons stopped tormenting me. I began to sleep at night and I continued the fear of lightening but not the torment jeering at my face.
At 12, my brother died. I stood at his grave and somehow I asked Jesus to help me forgive him though I was so glad he was gone. My innocence cried out from my heart. Why me!!! I felt violated and misused. I felt alone! I felt! devastated. Sunday, soon after, the minister at our church asked me to give my hand to Jesus. I looked for my
dad’s okay. He said, “Not unless you mean it. It’s a different life then. Make sure you are ready.” I gave my heart to Jesus that day.
I began to use my lessons from piano classes to play for the church. I began to love the songs and memorize the lyrics. I began to sing open solos to Jesus and soon I felt a peace come over me.
In conclusion, at 30 years old, I learned that the boys had not punctured my hymen or penetrated my virginity. Years later, in a church service, God spoke to me and let me know that He had protected me and caused me to keep my sanity. I later learned about open visions and the gifts of discernment and demons and all those things. But nothing had replaced the pain of being violated. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING REPLACED THE FEELING OF VIOLATION IN MY BODY, MY MIND, AND MY SOUL. Remember violating the innocence of one can hardly be removed accept through the acceptance of the precious love of Jesus Christ. What if they never meet that love!
What if they never get a new opportunity. Violation of innocence, no matter how old is a matter
of destruction.

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